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BAD ADVICE

It should come as no surprise that as Bad Neighbors we are happy to dole out bad advice to anyone and everyone.  Here's some of our latest wisdom we felt compelled to share...

Flo from Freehold says..."I recently saw you guys and wanted to sign up to get your tweets but I can't find you on twitter."

Get a grip Flo.  We're Bad Neighbors, not Angry Birds.  The web is blessed with millions of tweeters who bestow their self considered wisdom to the masses, you don't need ours.

Biff from Banff writes..."Yo dudes, I live for skiing and spend all my time on the slopes but summer bums me out cause there's no snow.  My parents say now that I'm 40 I should pay them rent but that would just kill my allowance.  What would you do if you were me?"

Yo Biff, get a job.  Oh yeah, try making your bed too, your mom's not your personal maid.  And if you're gonna drink your dad's beer, don't refill the bottles with water and put the caps back on, he knows.

Myrtle from Albany writes... "Dear Neighbor, my kids want a pet and I can't decide between a cat and a dog.  What do you think?"

Well Myrtle, first off we try not to think.  It makes our heads hurt.  That said, there are many reasons to select both cats and dogs as family pets.  We still get a chuckle every time Bill from down the street calls us to complain about our cat Chester shredding his trash bags or using his kids sandbox as a litterbox.  Darn near fell off the chair when Chester helped himself to the Salmon Bill was about to grill too.  But if you can only have one pet, nothing says hi neighbor like a dog.  Preferably a barker.  Someone you can let out back around 5:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning to chase a squirrel up the tree, then yap at it till the lights go on next door.  Either way, you're bound to make friends.  And Myrtle, when you take the kids to look for their new found friend, be sure to check your local shelters who will be happy to help you find the perfect match.

 

Jack from Billings writes... "Dear Neighbor, my wife and I want to dress up our yard and wonder what you recommend in the way of landscaping?"

That's an excellent question Jack.  A lot of people think that adding fountains, ponds, decorative trees, flowers and bushes can turn your yard into the talk of the neighborhood.  What a bunch of hooey.  Why not follow the herd you ask?  Cause the herd doesn't care about you or your yard.  Make a statement Jack.  Be bold.  We recommend a 1972 Cadillac Eldorado (Convertible if you can find one) in white.  You want one with rust on the quarterpanels and the convertible should have the rear window attached with duct tape.  You want it parked out front in either classic style (on cinder blocks) or contemporary (all tires flat).  This will surely get heads turning on your street.  And BTW, leave one of the rear windows open just in case Chester is looking for a place to take his date.

 

Gladys from Colts Neck asks... "Dear Neighbor, the guy next door has a band and they play loud rock music till all hours.  How can I nicely ask them to turn it down?"

Listen Gladys, if we've told you once we've told you 1000 times.  We're not turning down.  Buy earplugs or turn up your TV (it's the button on your remote that says "VOL").  You should be thanking us anyway.  The music drowns out Bill's constant whining about Chester and our dogs.  P.S. we take requests.

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